ESSAY: Random acts of kindness

Everyone wins when we pay it forward!

Ever since the incredibly sad movie Pay it Forward was released in 2000, the simple concept of doing a good turn for someone who cannot do it for themselves has come into our collective consciousness.

Many cultures and traditions consider that the virtue of helping others is the cornerstone of their beliefs and should drive behaviour. But is such kindness as simple as it sounds? What benefits do we get from our altruism? Should kindness be its own reward? And is true selflessness even possible if we consider the buzz we might get in return for our thoughtfulness?

Some have suggested that there is a vital difference between pay it forward and random acts of kindness. Pay it forward rests on the notion that the person receiving the benefit does not know the recipient, and when they respond they are encouraged to also pay it forward in any way they can.

Random acts of kindness can be as simple as opening the door for someone to enter first, a smile at a stranger or helping an older person with their shopping. It’s usually seen as a spur of the moment event, over before either party have registered it has actually happened.

The term ‘random act of kindness’ may originate from writer and peace activist,Anne Herbert, who claims she wrote, ‘Practise random kindness and senseless beauty’ on a place mat at a California restaurant in the 1980s.

Paying it forward

An anonymous spokesman for Alcoholics Anonymous said in the Christian Science Monitor in 1944, “You can’t pay anyone back for what has happened to you, so you try to find someone you can pay forward.”

Many people regularly take the opportunity to pay it forward, often in a monetary way. Ms says that she paid for a complete stranger’s parking fee at The Barracks underground car park as he didn’t have change. “I was standing behind him waiting to pay for mine and he was clearly in difficulties. He tried to refuse it, but I asked him to pay it forward one day.”

Mrs D says she was in a queue at Coles recently and two young men ahead of her were obviously on a budget of $50. “All their items were scanned but they were short. So they were putting things back,” DO says. “It was all healthy food, not rubbish, so I paid for what they couldn’t afford. Turns out they were backpackers from Germany and they were so sweet and grateful. It positively made my day.”

Anonymous kindness

Fitness guru Mr P, also has a pay-it-forward frame of mind. “I was over at ALDI Kingston a few weeks ago buying some milk and a lovely mum with four kids let me go in front of her at the checkout. So I left $50 with the cashier so she could surprise the mum when she came to pay — and I didn’t stick around to see the result.”

The internet abounds with tales of secret benevolence. Apparently, a US Iraq war veteran could not afford to buy his fiancée a $US 10,000 engagement ring. A man overhearing their conversation bought the ring anonymously for them. The jewellery salesperson kept the identity of the purchaser secret for several years until the man’s death.

Ms CC says that something similar occurred to her. A man overheard a conversation of a woman explaining her extreme financial difficulties to her friend. As he was paying for his own meal, he paid for the meal for the two women.

Receiving goodwill

So what about those on the receiving end of someone’s generosity? How do they react?

Ms RD says that a few months ago she took three boys out for Macca’s. “I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t order anything. A staffer came over and gave me $20, saying someone had said to give that to me. I was very touched, but I asked the staffer to hold onto it and give it to the next family she thought could use a little help.”

Logan writer Ms BS was having breakfast with her 14-year-old child during one of her chemotherapy treatments. “I went to the counter to pay and … no charge.  Another customer had paid the lot for me and, through the waitress, wished me best of luck for my treatment.”

Delayed generosity

Said to have been started more than 100 years ago in Italy is the concept of paying for a coffee in advance for the next person. Termed caffè sospeso (suspended or pending coffee) is a cup of coffee paid for in advance as an anonymous act of charity. The tradition began in the working-class cafés of Naples, where someone who had experienced good luck would order a sospeso, paying for two coffees but drinking only one. Later, a person down on their luck would be served the second coffee for free.

The suspended meal movement is rapidly gaining pace in China too. A meal delivery driver noticed many poor people at the local hospital, and when he shared this with the restaurant owner they initiated the suspended meal options for their customers to donate a meal of noodles. Variations of the concept have spread to the Ukraine, Bulgaria and London, some with take-away coffee cups specially marked ‘paid’ or fast food restaurants’ snack containers. The concept especially appeals to people who believe it’s better to give food rather than money to street beggars.

The motives of altruism

Ms T says that sometimes when involved in acts of kindness we can get so caught up in the act of doing good that we weary of well doing.

“It’s important to examine our motives,” she says. “Are we doing something kind for others to see or to give ourselves an inner boost? While these are bi-products of good works, we should always give from an unselfish heart, with the recipient always the focus. While they may be helpful, I’ve never been a believer in random acts of kindness. I think kindness should have more value and be a part of our everyday lives.”

If we feel morally obliged to help others, we cannot attribute our actions to altruism. What joy would we reap if we grudgingly paid for a suspended coffee or felt pressured into giving up our seat on the bus? True altruism can only ever be offered without any expectation of reward. The movie Pay It Forward suggested that the practice of helping one another can spread organically, creating an impact of making the world a better place. And that can only be a good thing.

Extract of magazine article 2014, used with publisher’s permission